第五类读物主要给大家一点轻松的东西，有幽默故事和笑话等，全部出自外国人手笔。不少外国人，你说他愚笨，他倒不一定生气，因为他自己也有时候说I’m becoming older，but not any wiser。但是如果有人说他没有幽默感，那他会认为受到了极大的侮辱。幽默不是学来的，幽默常常是人际交往的调味品和润滑剂，风趣的语言会使我们的生活更有意义。有时很天真的话语里，有不少灵感和智慧。我们学习语言不可忽视这方面的内容。
1.Humorous Short Stories
（1）可你没问那么多啊！
A door-to-door salesperson walked up to a house。 Finding a little girl，about five years old，playing on the steps，the salesperson asked，“Is your mother home？”
“Yes，she is。”The child answered politely。 So the salesperson straightened his tie and rang the doorbell。There was no answer。Again he rang and waited。Then he tried a third time，while the little girl continued to play busily at his feet。
“I thought you said your mother was home。”He finally said to the child。
Without looking up，she answered in a very matter-of-fact voice，“My mother is home，but this is not where we live。”
注：in a very matter-of-fact voice：一本正经地说。
（2）可谁知道啊？
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire。 Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots，so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane。
“It will be waiting for you at the airport！”he was assured by his editor。
As soon as he got to the small，rural airport，sure enough，a plane was warming up near the runway。 He jumped in with his equipment and yelled，“Let's go！Let's go！”The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air。
“Fly over the north side of the fire，”said the photographer，“and make three or four low level passes。”
“Why？”asked the pilot。
“Because I'm going to take pictures！I'm a photographer，and photographers take pictures！”said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience。
After a long pause the pilot said，“You mean you're not the instructor？”
（3）没想到吧？
Henry's job was to examine cars which crossed the frontier to make sure that they were not smuggling anything into the country。 Every evening，except at weekends，he would see a factory worker coming up the hill towards the frontier，pushing a bicycle with a big load of old straw on it。When the bicycle reached the frontier，Henry would stop the man，order him to take the straw off and untie it。Then he would examine the straw very carefully to see if he could find anything，after which he would look in all the man's pockets before letting him tie the straw again。The man would then put it on his bicycle and go off down the hill with it。Although Henry was always expecting to find gold or jewelry or other valuable things hidden in the straw，he never found any，even though he examined it very carefully。He was sure that the man was smuggling something，but he was not able to imagine what it could be。
Then one evening，after he had looked through the straw as usual，he said to the man，“Listen。 I know that you are smuggling things across this frontier。Won't you tell me what it is that you are bringing into the country so successfully？I am an old man，and today's my last day on the job。Tomorrow I'm going to retire。I promise that I shall not tell anyone if you tell me what you have been smuggling。”The factory worker did not say anything for a moment。Then he smiled and said quietly，“Bicycles。”
（4）入乡随俗，懂吗？
An interesting theory in economics is demonstrated by the Head Man of a small mountain tribe。 It seemed that this tribe was very good at making straw mats that had great sales potential in the world market。The representative of an American company went to visit the tribe and tried to make a good business deal。He visited the Head Man and declared that his company would like to order several thousand pieces。Undoubtedly，he said，the business deal would be profitable to the tribe。After some thought，the Head Man agreed but announced that the price for each piece would be higher on such a big order than it would be if only a small order had been placed。The representative was more than a littleshocked at the business sense of the Head Man and insisted that the price should be lower because of the large volume，and certainly not higher。“No，”replied the head of the tribe stubbornly。“But why not？”asked the American。“Because it is so tiresome to make the same article over and over，”answered the Head Man。
（5）声东击西
Fred was a soldier in a big camp。 During the week they always worked very hard，but it was Saturday，and all the young soldiers were free，so their officer said to them，“You can go into town this afternoon，but first I'm going to inspect you。”
Fred came to the officer，and the officer said to him，“Your hair's very long。 Go to the barber and then come back to me again。”
Fred ran to the barber's shop，but it as closed because it was Saturday。 Fred was very sad for a few minutes，but then he smiled and went back to the officer。
“Are my boots clean now，sir？”he asked。
The officer did not look at Fred's hair。 He looked at his boots and said，“Yes，they're much better now。You can go out。And next week，first clean your boots，and then come to me！”
（6）本末倒置
General Pershing was a famous American officer。 He was in the American army，and fought in Europe in the First World War。
After he died，some people in his home town wanted to remember him，so they put up a big statue of him on a horse。
There was a school near the statue，and some of the boys passed it every day on their way to school and again on their way home。 After a few months some of them began to say，“Good morning，Pershing”，whenever they passed the statue，and soon all the boys at the school were doing this。
One Saturday one of the smallest of these boys was walking to the shops with his mother when he passed the statue。 He said“Good morning，Pershing”to it，but then he stopped and said to his mother，“I like Pershing very much，Ma，but who's that funny man on his back？”
（7）真拿他没办法！
One of Harry's feet was bigger than the other。“I can never find boots and shoes for my feet，”he said to his friend Dick。
“Why don't you go to a shoemaker，”Harry said。“A good one can make you the right shoes。”“I've never been to a shoemaker，”Harry said。“Aren't they very expensive？”
“No，”Dick said，“some of them aren't。 There is a very good one in our village，and he's quite cheap。Here's his address。”He wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Harry。
Harry went to the shoemaker in Dick's village a few days later，and the shoemaker made him some shoes。
Harry went to the shop again a week later and looked at the shoes。 Then he said to the shoemaker angrily，“You're a silly man！I told you to make one shoe bigger than the other，but you've made one smaller than the other！”
（8）到底谁是笨蛋？
George has a very big dog and a small car。 One day after he finished playing tennis at the club，he ran out and jumped into a car。His dog came after him。It did not jump into the same car，but into the next one。
“Come here，silly dog！”George shouted at it but the dog stayed in the other car，paying no attention to his call。
George put his key into the lock of the car，but the key did not turn。 Then he looked at the car again。It was not his！He was in the wrong car！And the dog was in the right one！“He's sitting and laughing at me！”Although he was angry，he smiled and got into his car with the dog。
（9）别以为我不懂！
Mr。 White has a small shop that sells pictures in the downtown。Last Saturday a woman came into the shop and looked at a lot of pictures。Then she took Mr。White to one of them and said，“How much do you want for this one？”It was a picture of horses in a field。
Mr。 White looked at it for a few seconds and then went and brought his book。Opening the book and looking at the first page，he said，“I want twenty pounds for that one。”
The woman shut her eyes for a few seconds and then said，“I can give you only two pounds for it。”“Two pounds？”Mr。 White said angrily。“Two pounds？But the canvas alone is worth more than two
pounds。”
“Oh，but it was clean when it is worth，”the woman said。
（10）歪打正着
A few years ago，there were a lot of hijacking on planes，so now people always search passengers and their luggage at airports before they let them into a plane，because they do not want them to take guns or bombs or other dangerous things on to the plane with them。
Mr。 and Mrs。Smith were singers，and they traveled a lot。Whenever they went by plane，people searched them and their luggage，of course。
One day，Mr。 Smith came to the airport，and the men searched him and his luggage first。He was ready to get on the plane when Mrs。Smith arrived。She was late and in a hurry，but the people searched her and her bag carefully。Then Mr。Smith heard her laugh and say to the men happily，“Oh，that's very good！I've looked for those scissors for several days，and now you've found them for me！Thank you very much！”
2.Political Jokes
（1）不一定能帮你
As President Clinton was walking on a beach one day，his foot tripped on a partially buried bottle。 Picking it up，Bill rubbed it to expose the label。Suddenly a cloud poured from the bottle and a hugegenie appeared。
“Thank you——oh，thank you for saving me from the prison I've been in。 I've been in there for hundreds，yes，hundreds of years。As a expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish。”
Mr。 Clinton，being a world leader，knew exactly what to ask for。“Peace in the Mideast！”he quickly replied。
The genie seemed confused。“Mideast……Mideast……I can't seem to remember……can you help me out a little？
The President quickly has a world map brought over and he carefully points out the affected area of the globe，recounting briefly the long-standing geopolitical instability of the area。
The genie's eyes widen and he says“Oh，yea。 Now I remember。The Mideast！Whew。That's a tough one。You know，they've been fighting over there quite literally for millennia。I hate to admit it，but I think that's more than I can handle。I'm sorry。Can you wish for something else？”
Clinton，obviously crestfallen at such a missed opportunity，can think of only one other wish：“Could you make the American people like my wife？”
The genie pauses，grimaces，then says，“Let me see that map again。”
注：在海滩上捡到一个瓶子，打开后，里面出来个妖怪让捡到瓶子放他出来的人许愿的故事，也许人们都还记得。这个笑话套用的就是这个故事。Bill：克林顿的名字William（威廉）的简称。Mideast：Middle East（中东）。
（2）言不由衷
In the weeks before Christmas the British ambassador in Canada received a phone call from the Canadian Broadcasting Company。 The CBC reporter on the other end of the line thanked the ambassador for his prompt arrival at interviews，etc，and for a generally good year。The ambassador returned the thanks。Then the CBC reporter asked the ambassador what he wanted for Christmas。Thinking that he might get into trouble if he accepted a gift，the ambassador said that he didn't think that it was a very good idea。However，the CBC reporter insisted，and in the end the ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallized fruits。The CBC reporter seemed a little puzzled at this answer but they ended the conversation and the ambassador thought nothing more of it。
Later that month，on Boxing Day，the ambassador was sitting watching the news on TV with his family when he saw this item at the end：
“Before Christmas we asked three foreign ambassadors what they wanted for Christmas。 The French ambassador said that he wanted world peace and an end to suffering，the German ambassador said that he wanted a cure for cancer and the British ambassador said that he wanted a small box of crystallized fruits……”
注：Canadian Broadcasting Company（The CBC）：加拿大广播公司。Boxing Day：圣诞节后的第一个weekday。
（3）法律面前人人平等
Several Presidential aides have just been charged with contempt for Congress for failing to handover documents relating to the Travel Office firings。 Insiders say that the investigation is ongoing and that contempt for Congress charges may soon be brought against the remainder of the American population in the coming weeks。
（4）看谁比谁厉害
Bill，Al，and Hillary all die in a plane crash。 Upon reaching Heaven，they are escorted as important personages directly to see God。God looks at Bill and asks，“Bill，you've sinned a great deal。Why should I allow you to enter into Heaven？”
“Well，gee，God，”replies Bill，“I'm the Pres-ee-dent of the United States。 I've been trying to help people——you know give them universal health care and protect them from those mean-spirited Republicans who want to starve their children and throw sick old people out into the street。”
God considers this a moment and says，“Oh，okay。 Sit over here on my left。”He turns to Al。“Al，why should I let you into Heaven？”
“Well，Lord，I'm the Vice President of the United States。 I've tried to protect the environment from abuse by those mean-spirited Republicans and even wrote a very important book about it。”
God thinks a moment and says，“All right。 Sit over here on my right。Now，Hillary，tell me why I should let you into Heaven。”
“Well，God，it's like this。 I'm the First Lady，the Co-President and，by the way，I think you're sitting in my seat。”
注：Pres-ee-dent表示比尔拖长重读President一词时的神态。
（5）冷面杀手
An Irishman goes up to the pearly gates，and he patiently waits for St。 Peter to look up from his work。Finally，he gives the Irishman his attention。
“And you are……？”St。 Peter asks。
“I'm Kevin O'Conlan，”replies the Irishman。
“Hmm，O'Conlan……O'Conlan……”the gatekeeper mused，poring over his compendious list of people and events。“Ah，here we are。 Kevin O'Conlan……you're a member of the Irish Republican Army。”
“Yeh，that'd be me，”replies Kevin。
“You blew up that pub in London！”
“Yeh。”
“You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland。”
“Yeh，that's all my work，”comes the nonplussed reply。
St。 Peter is just amazed at this guy，and when he finally finds words，he blurts，“Well，good God，man，we just can't let you in here！”
“Let me in，Hell！”says Kevin。“I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out！”
注：Irish Republican Army：爱尔兰共和军。
（6）吹牛？谁更牛？
An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel。
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative venture is taking place，and that he never expected the English to go to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe。
“Oh that's nothing，”says the Englishman。“You should have seen the trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place！”
注：Channel Tunnel：穿过英吉利海峡连接英国和法国的海底隧道。
（7）我有什么办法？
A friend of mine went out to vote Tuesday，and since the polling place was in his suburban neighborhood，he thought he would walk his dog on the way。 When he got there，he tied his dog up outside and went in。
The dog started barking，barking，and barking。
When he had finished voting，an election judge stopped him。“Your dog sounds pretty upset out there，”he observed。
“I know，”my friend replied。“We used to live in Chicago，and he's mad because he got to vote the last time。”
（8）最好的庆祝
Making small talk at dinner one night，the mother said“I think today is Ronald Reagan's birthday。”Without hesitation her seventeen-year-old son said“Yeah，people the world over celebrated by forgetting it。”
（9）你不在乎我在乎
At an ambassadorial banquet，after everyone was seated，one of the lady guests complained a bit too loudly that，according to the official order of preference，she ought to be seated next to the ambassador。 She was found to be right，and several of the guests had to get up and move down to make room for her。
Feeling somewhat conscience-stricken at the fuss she had made，the lady said to the ambassador：“You and your wife must find these questions of precedence extremely troublesome。”
“Not really，”was the reply。“We have found by experience that the people who matter don't mind，and the people that mind don't matter。”
（10）饭后一支烟，赛过或神仙
New York became the 20th state to sue the tobacco industry，saying tobacco is the number 2 killer of New Yorkers。 The number 1 killer of New Yorkers is other New Yorkers。
（11）天又不测风云
Saddam Hussein is visiting a school。 In one class，he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a“tragedy”。
One little boy stands up and offers that“If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him，that would be a tragedy。”
“No，”Hussein says，“That would be an ACCIDENT。”
A girl raises her hand。“If a school bus carrying fifty Iraqi children drove off a cliff，killing everyone involved……that would be a tragedy。”
“I'm afraid not，”explains Hussein。”That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS。”The room is silent；none of the other children volunteer。“What？”asks Hussein，“Is there no one here who can give me an example of a tragedy？”
Finally，a boy in the back raises his hand。 In a timid voice，he speaks：“If an airplane carrying Yassar Arafat and Saddam Hussein were blown up by a bomb，that would be a tragedy。”
“Wonderful！”Hussein beams。“Marvelous！And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy？”“Well，”says the boy，“because it wouldn't be an accident，and it certainly would be no great loss！”
注：Yassar Arafat：阿拉法特；Saddam Hussein：萨达姆。
（12）真真假假
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road，when all of a sudden，the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field。 The old farmer，after seeing what happened，went over to investigate。He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians。
A few days later，the local sheriff came out，saw the crashed bus，and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone。 The old farmer said he had buried them。The sheriff then asked the old farmer，“Were they ALL dead？”The old farmer replied，“Well，some of them said they weren't，but you know how the politicians lie。”
3.Jokes on Marriage
（1）学习优选法
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a warning：“Don't try these task-organizing tips at home。”
“Why not？”asked a worker。
“I did a study of my wife's routine fixing breakfast，”explained the lecturer。“She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator，stove，table and cupboards，often carrying only one item。‘Hon，'I suggested，‘why don't you try carrying several things at once？'”
“Did it save time？”
“Actually，yes。 It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast。Now I do it in seven。”
（2）白头偕老
A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing。 The policeman asked for a description。She said，“He's 35 years old，6 foot 4，had dark eyes，dark wavy hair，an athletic build，weighs 185 pounds，is soft-spoken，and is good to the children。”The
next-door neighbor protested，“Your husband is 5 foot 4，chubby，bald，has a big mouth，and is mean to your children。”The wife replied，“Yes，but who wants him back？”
（3）冤仇夫妻
“I was married 3 times，”explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner，“and I'll never marry again。 My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull。”
“That's a shame！”said his friend。“How did it happen？”
“She wouldn't eat the mushrooms。”
（4）动机不纯
“Your Honor，my wife is just being ridiculous。 Most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry and I was only opening the door for her out of chivalry。”
“Mr。 Smith，”replied the judge，“I am granting the divorce。I cannot believe chivalry was your motivation while driving 60 mph。”
（5）大丈夫治国不治家
An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th anniversary。 A young man，about to get married，decided to ask the old couple the secret of their success。Said the elderly man，“Young man，in my house，I make all of the big decisions and leave all of the trivial ones to my wife”。After a meaningful pause，he continued，“I decide what is to be done to reform Welfare，how to stop the war in the Balkans，what is wrong with NASA and how to set it right etc。She decides the trivia like，what I am going to wear to work，how much money I get to spend……”
注：the Balkans：巴尔干国家；NASA：National Aeronautics and Space Administration（美）国家航空和航天局。
（6）原来如此
A man was driving home late one afternoon，and he was driving above the speed limit。 He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror。He thinks“I can outrun this guy，”so he floors it and the race is on。The cars are racing down the highway——60，70，80，90 miles an hour。Finally，as his speedometer passes 100，the guy figures“What the heck，”and gives up。He pulls over to the curb。
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car。 He leans down and says“Listen mister，I've had a really lousy day，and I just want to go home。Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go。”The man thought for a moment and said。“Three weeks ago，my wife ran off with a police officer。When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror，I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me！”
（7）沉默是金
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment。 Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day，he asked Billy if he got a part。
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part。“I play a man who's been married for twenty years。”
“That's great，son。 Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part。”
注：a speaking part：一个有台词的角色。
（8）谁更伤心？
Cal was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave when he noticed a very distraught man in front of a tombstone several yards away。 The man was on his knees，hands tightly clasped in front of him，rocking back and forth，head tilted upward to heaven，tears streaming down his cheeks，moaning softly，“Why did you die？Why did you die？”over and over again。
Cal was overcome with emotion at the sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him。“Why did you die？Why did you die？”Again and again，Cal gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him，“My Grandmother is buried just over there，is a loved one of yours buried here？”
“No，”sniffled the man，“It's my wife's first husband。”
（9）你看看人家！
Mr。 and Mrs。Smith married thirty years ago，and they have lived in the same house since then。Mr。Smith goes to work at eight o'clock every morning，and he gets home at half past seven every evening，from Monday to Friday。
There are quite a lot of houses in their street，and most of the neighbors are nice。 But the old lady in the house opposite Mr。and Mrs。Smith died，and after a few weeks a young man and woman came to live in it。
Mrs。 Smith watched them for a few days from her window and then she said to her husband，“Bill，the man in that house opposite always kisses his wife when he leaves in the morning and he kisses her again when he comes home in the evening。Why don't you do that too？”
“Well，”Mr。 Smith answered，“I don't know her very well yet。”
（10）大丈夫能屈能伸
There was a lot of men's club in London many years ago。 Men went there and read their newspapers quietly，or drank or had meals with their friends。
All these clubs had very good servants and very good doormen。 One evening，the telephone in one club rang and the doorman went to answer it。A woman spoke to him，“Are you the doorman of the George Club？”
“Yes，I am，”he answered。
“Please give my husband a message，”the woman said。
“Your husband is not here at the club，”he answered。
“But I haven't told you his name！”the woman said angrily。
“That's not necessary，”the doorman answered。“No husband is ever at the club。”
4.Children's Views on the Adults'World
There are interesting questions and even more interesting answers provided by kids of 6 to 9 years old。 From these answers to the questions，one certainly finds something new，if not naive。
（1）How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love？
a。 Just see if the man picks up the check。That's how you can tell if he's in love。
b。 Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold……Other people care more about the food。
c。 Romantic adults usually are all dressed up，so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up。
d。 See if the man has lipstick on his face。
e。 It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire。They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are——on fire。
（2）What are most people thinking when they say“I love you”？
a。 The person is thinking：Yeah，I really do love him。But I hope he showers at least once a day。
b。 Some lovers might be real nervous，so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat。
（3）What are the origins of love？
One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods。 He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts，but he just couldn't get her away from him……After a while，they became the first married gods。
（4）Why does love happen between two particular people？
a。 One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too。
b。 No one is sure why it happens，but I heard it has something to do with how you smell……That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular。
c。 I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something，but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful。
（5）What is falling in love like？
a。 It is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life。
b。 If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell，I don't want to do it。It takes too long。
（6）What is the role of beauty and handsome-ness in love？
a。 If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family，it doesn't hurt to be beautiful。
b。 It isn't always just how you look。Look at me。I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet。
c。 Beauty is skin deep。But how rich you are can last a long time。
（7）How do people in love typically behave？
a。 When a person gets kissed for the first time，they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour。
b。 All of a sudden，the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark。
（8）What is love anyway？
a。 I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when“Dinosaurs”is on television。
b。 Love will find you，even if you are trying to hide from it。I've been trying to hide from it since I was five，but the girls keep finding me。
c。 I'm not rushing into being in love。I'm finding fourth grade hard enough。
（9）What is the proper age to get married？
a。 Eighty-four！Because at that age，you don't have to work anymore，and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom。
b。 Once I'm done with kindergarten，I'm going to find me a wife！
（10）Which is better，to be single or to be married？
a。 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys。Boys need somebody to clean up after them！
b。 It gives me a headache to think about that stuff。I'm just a kid。I don't need that kind of trouble。
