佚名/Anonymous
亲爱的劳拉：
当我写这封信时，你出生才一周，正在妈妈的身边甜甜地睡着。看来要再过几年你才会读这封信，若要你完全理解我此刻的感受可能还需更长的时间——这样也好，因为你需要更长的时间去学习宽恕别人。
写这封信是一件很难的事，但我必须写，要知道我只是个新闻工作者，并非真正的作家。看到你妈妈把你生下来时，就如同给安德鲁大力士传递巨型保龄球一样艰险，而我却无能为力，只能眼睁睁地看着。心中的喜悦和惊奇却无以言表，就算借助周围所有字典的帮助也找不到合适的词去形容。
为你顺利地降生，我要再次感谢上帝。
知道你是个女孩后，我兴奋得几乎要跳起来——等你进入青春期时，你将会是你妈妈的最大问题，而不是我的。
我们给你取名叫劳拉·克罗福特，是电子游戏《古墓丽影》中女主角的名字，也是一部同名电影中的主角。可我认为安吉丽娜·朱丽的演技还没发挥到极致。终有一天你会发现，劳拉·克罗福特独有骄人的丰满胸脯，足以使战舰沉没，她迷人的魅力会使无数少男神魂颠倒。当然了，从解剖学角度讲，你并没有与她们相同的天赋，可至少你和她们有相同的名字，这对你日后参加工作面试应该很有好处。
我此刻的感受用“超现实主义”来形容最恰当不过了，也就是说，晚饭后我都不用再喝鸡尾酒了。我一直都渴望做一位父亲，可当我真正成为父亲时又有些不敢相信，或许是由于我那劣迹斑斑的恋爱史，再有就是闲着没事时只爱看《星舰迷航》和漫画书的缘故吧！
而现在你就在我面前，已经出生一个星期了，我依然会兴致勃勃地坐在旁边看着你，你那起伏的胸脯非常有趣，比电视上的真人秀好看多了。看着你的小腿蹬来蹬去，蠕动着身子，伸伸小胳膊小腿，皱皱小脸，然后号啕大哭，我依然会感到万分惊奇。而一想到我在你要睡觉的时候练手风琴，便觉得有些内疚。
以后的日子，我肯定会有令你伤心失望的时候，甚至你会希望换个父亲。其实，你的表哥马里奥和雷基降生的第一天他们就曾这么想过。
但我想让你知道，我会永远守候在你身边——无论你在哪里逛街，如何停车，或是花多长时间与我们通电话，我都甘愿守候你，只因我是你父亲。我甚至可以保证在陪你出去约会时，少插嘴（如果那家伙敢动你一根指头，他就没命了）。
生活中，有一些重要的事情你有必要知道：
要有良好的信贷记录。成功的大英雄从不败于此。保持着百万富翁地位的蝙蝠侠、钢铁侠、黄蜂和金世纪沙人等，尽管他们每天出去行侠仗义都得乔装打扮。而蜘蛛侠和绿灯侠却连最低的月薪都赚不到，还要为每个月的房租犯愁。
另外，如果德州佐治伍德大学的丁格教授打来电话，问我承诺给校友舞蹈基金会捐款的事情，你就直接告诉那老头，我是分文不出的。
就此搁笔吧。不久后，我们会谈及其他事的一些细节，比如穿衣——先穿内衣，然后再穿鞋子——你还要学着避免卷入侵权官司，提防政府的阴谋，以及在做美味的马铃薯菜肴时，如何把被老鼠咬过的马铃薯挑拣出来。
此刻，看着你妈妈给你换尿布，我的幸福感不禁油然而生。你枕在我的肩膀上，静谧地呼吸着。我想，用不了多久，我也会和你一起睡着的。
现在，我只想用数码相机把每个宝贵的瞬间都记录下来，把照片转发给所有我们认识的人，直到他们把我的邮箱地址封禁为止。为今天的高科技，我要再次感谢上帝。
Dear Lara，
As I write this letter，you are nearly one week old and sound asleep at your mother’s side.It’s going to be a few years before you can read this，and even longer before you understand exactly what I’m feeling—which is good，because then you’ll need even more time to forgive.
This letter is one of the hardest things，I’ve ever had to write，since I’m only a journalist and not a real writer.No words I know—not even the ones I looked up in the neighbor’s dictionary—can describe the sublime joy and wonder I have felt since watching your mother do the equivalent of passing Andre the Giant’s bowling ball and realizing that I could never take her place.
And let me say right now，thank God for that as well.
When they told me you were a girl，I felt so excited my heart could have burst—for when you hit adolescence，you’re mostly your mother’s problem，not mine.
We took your name from Lara Croft，the main character of the video game“Tomb Raider”and a new movie that features Angelina Jolie playing far below her talent.Croft，you one day will discover，has gazongas large enough to sink battleships and has reduced many teenage boys to the level of drooling idiocy.So，while it’s anatomically impossible for you to share that gift，at least you’ll have the name going for you，which can’t hurt in job interviews.
The best way to describe what I’m feeling right now is“surreal，”which means I should lay off the after-dinner cocktails.I’ve long wanted to be a father but somehow never believed it would happen，in light of my lousy dating history and penchants for watching“Star Trek”and reading comic books.
But now you’re here，and a week after your birth，I still sit for minutes watching your chest rise and fall—if for no other reason than it’s more interesting than the other reality shows on TV.I still feel a sense of wonder as you kick and squirm upon waking—as you stretch your teeny-tiny limbs，wrinkle your little face，and cry.And then I feel guilty for practicing the accordion while you were trying to sleep.
Over the years to come，I’m sure I will let you down，and there’ll be times you’ll wish you had someone different for a father.Your cousins Mario and Luigi have been wishing that about their father since day one.
But I want you to know that I’m always going to be there for you—no matter where you shop，how you park，or how much time you spend on our phone.It’s not obsessive；I’m your FATHER，and I even promise to be unobtrusive when I’m with you on dates.(However，if the guy lays as much as a finger on you，he’s a dead man.)
In life，there are a few important things to know：
Maintain a good credit rating.Successful superheroes never let it slide.That are how Batman，Iron Man，the Wasp，and the Golden Age Sandman all retain their millionaire status，even when they do the costume thing full-time.Spiderman and Green Lantern never made even the minimum monthly payment，and they’re always struggling just to pay the rent.
Also，if Dr.Dingle ever calls from George Wood University in Texas about my pledge to the Alumni Dance Fund，tell the old goat I refuse to donate a single penny.
That’s about it right now.
Later on，we’ll get into the specifics of getting dressed—underwear first，then your shoes—avoiding trademark lawsuits，guarding against government conspiracies，and what to look for in rodents when you’re preparing that delicious dish of“potato au raton.”
Right now，I’m happy just to watch your mother change the diaper when it’s dirty，then listen to you breathe quietly as you slumber against my shoulder—which means that，soon，I too will get to hit the sack.Right now，I just want to treasure that moment by shooting it with my digital camera，then forwarding it to everyone I know until they put me on their spamblockers list.Thank God one more time，for modern technology.
Love，
Dad
