Every after-difficulty I could manage for myself. In the whole venture--desperate as it looks to pass myself off for the widow of one man, while I am all the while the wife of the other--there is absolutely no necessity that wants twice considering, but the one terrible necessity of Armadale's death.
"His death! It might be a terrible necessity to any other woman;but is it, ought it to be terrible to Me?
"I hate him for his mother's sake. I hate him for his own sake. Ihate him for going to London behind my back, and ****** inquiries about me. I hate him for forcing me out of my situation before Iwanted to go. I hate him for destroying all my hopes of marrying him, and throwing me back helpless on my own miserable life. But, oh, after what I have done already in the past time, how can I?
how can I?
"The girl, too--the girl who has come between us; who has taken him away from me; who has openly insulted me this very day--how the girl whose heart is set on him would feel it if he died! What a vengeance on _her,_ if I did it! And when I was received as Armadale's widow what a triumph fo r _me._ Triumph! It is more than triumph--it is the salvation of me. A name that can't be assailed, a station that can't be assailed, to hide myself in from my past life! Comfort, luxury, wealth! An income of twelve hundred a year secured to me secured by a will which has been looked at by a lawyer: secured independently of anything Armadale can say or do himself! I never had twelve hundred a year. At my luckiest time, I never had half as much, really my own. What have I got now? Just five pounds left in the world--and the prospect next week of a debtor's prison.
"But, oh, after what I have done already in the past time, how can I? how can I?
"Some women--in my place, and with my recollections to look back on--would feel it differently. Some women would say, 'It's easier the second time than the first.' Why can't I? why can't I?
"Oh, you Devil tempting me, is there no Angel near to raise some timely obstacle between this and to-morrow which might help me to give it up?
"I shall sink under it--I shall sink, if I write or think of it any more! I'll shut up these leaves and go out again. I'll get some common person to come with me, and we will talk of common things. I'll take out the woman of the house, and her children.
We will go and see something. There is a show of some kind in the town--I'll treat them to it. I'm not such an ill-natured woman when I try; and the landlady has really been kind to me. Surely Imight occupy my mind a little in seeing her and her children enjoying themselves.
"A minute since, I shut up these leaves as I said I would; and now I have opened them again, I don't know why. I think my brain is turned. I feel as if something was lost out of my mind; I feel as if I ought to find it here "I have found it! _Midwinter!!!_"Is it possible that I can have been thinking of the reasons For and Against, for an hour past--writing Midwinter's name over and over again--speculating seriously on marrying him--and all the time not once remembering that, even with every other impediment removed, _he_ alone, when the time came, would be an insurmountable obstacle in my way? Has the effort to face the consideration of Armadale's death absorbed me to _that_ degree? Isuppose it has. I can't account for such extraordinary forgetfulness on my part in any other way.
"Shall I stop and think it out, as I have thought out all the rest? Shall I ask myself if the obstacle of Midwinter would, after all, when the time came, be the unmanageable obstacle that it looks at present? No! What need is there to think of it? Ihave made up my mind to get the better of the temptation. I have made up my mind to give my landlady and her children a treat; Ihave made up my mind to close my Diary. And closed it shall be.
"Six o'clock.--The landlady's gossip is unendurable; the landlady's children distract me. I have left them to run back here before post time and write a line to Mrs. Oldershaw.
"The dread that I shall sink under the temptation has grown stronger and stronger on me. I have determined to put it beyond my power to have my own way and follow my own will. Mother Oldershaw shall be the salvation of me for the first time since Ihave known her. If I can't pay my note of hand, she threatens me with an arrest. Well, she _shall_ arrest me. In the state my mind is in now, the best thing that can happen to me is to be taken away from Thorpe Ambrose, whether I like it or not. I will write and say that I am to be found here I will write and tell her, in so many words, that the best service she can render me is to lock me up.
"Seven o'clock.--The letter has gone to the post. I had begun to feel a little easier, when the children came in to thank me for taking them to the show. One of them is a girl, and the girl upset me. She is a forward child, and her hair is nearly the color of mine. She said, 'I shall be like you when I have grown bigger, shan't I?' Her idiot of a mother said, 'Please to excuse her, miss,' and took her out of the room, laughing. Like me! Idon't pretend to be fond of the child; but think of her being like Me!
"Saturday morning.--I have done well for once in acting on impulse, and writing as I did to Mrs. Oldershaw. The only new circumstance that has happened is another circumstance in my favor!
"Major Milroy has answered Armadale's letter, entreating permission to call at the cottage and justify himself. His daughter read it in silence, when Armadale handed it to her at their meeting this morning, in the park. But they talked about it afterward, loud enough for me to hear them. The major persists in the course he has taken. He says his opinion of Armadale's conduct has been formed, not on common report, but on Armadale's own letters, and he sees no reason to alter the conclusion at which he arrived when the correspondence between them was closed.
