"No," she answered slowly, "I don't mean to repudiate it."There was a pause.He remained near the hearth, his elbow resting on the mantel-shelf.Close to his hand stood a little cup of jade that he had given her on one of their wedding anniversaries.She wondered vaguely ifhe noticed it.
"You intend to leave me, then?" she said at length.
His gesture seemed to deprecate the crudeness of the allusion."To marry some one else?"Again his eye and hand protested.She rose and stood before him."Why should you be afraid to tell me? Is it Una Van Sideren?" He was silent.
"I wish you good luck," she said.
III
She looked up, finding herself alone.She did not remember when or how he had left the room, or how long afterward she had sat there.The fire still smouldered on the hearth, but the slant of sunlight had left the wall.
Her first conscious thought was that she had not broken her word, that she had fulfilled the very letter of their bargain.There had been no crying out, no vain appeal to the past, no attempt at temporizing or evasion.She had marched straight up to the guns.
Now that it was over, she sickened to find herself alive.She looked about her, trying to recover her hold on reality.Her identity seemed to be slipping from her, as it disappears in a physical swoon."This is my room-- this is my house," she heard herself saying.Her room? Her house? She could almost hear the walls laugh back at her.
She stood up, a dull ache in every bone.The silence of the room frightened her.She remembered, now, having heard the front door close a long time ago: the sound suddenly re-echoed through her brain.Her husband must have left the house, then--her HUSBAND? She no longer knew in what terms to think: the ******st phrases had a poisoned edge.She sank back into her chair, overcome by a strange weakness.The clock struck ten--it was only ten o'clock! Suddenly she remembered that she had not ordered dinner...or were they dining out that evening? DINNER-- DINING OUT--the old meaningless phraseology pursued her! She must try to think of herself as she would think of some one else, a some onedissociated from all the familiar routine of the past, whose wants and habits must gradually be learned, as one might spy out the ways of a strange animal...
The clock struck another hour--eleven.She stood up again and walked to the door: she thought she would go up stairs to her room.HER room? Again the word derided her.She opened the door, crossed the narrow hall, and walked up the stairs.As she passed, she noticed Westall's sticks and umbrellas: a pair of his gloves lay on the hall table.The same stair-carpet mounted between the same walls; the same old French print, in its narrow black frame, faced her on the landing.This visual continuity was intolerable.Within, a gaping chasm; without, the same untroubled and familiar surface.She must get away from it before she could attempt to think.But, once in her room, she sat down on the lounge, a stupor creeping over her...
Gradually her vision cleared.A great deal had happened in the interval--a wild marching and countermarching of emotions, arguments, ideas--a fury of insurgent impulses that fell back spent upon themselves.She had tried, at first, to rally, to organize these chaotic forces.There must be help somewhere, if only she could master the inner tumult.Life could not be broken off short like this, for a whim, a fancy; the law itself would side with her, would defend her.The law? What claim had she upon it? She was the prisoner of her own choice: she had been her own legislator, and she was the predestined victim of the code she had devised.But this was grotesque, intolerable--a mad mistake, for which she could not be held accountable! The law she had despised was still there, might still be invoked...invoked, but to what end? Could she ask it to chain Westall to her side? SHE had been allowed to go free when she claimed her *******--should she show less magnanimity than she had exacted? Magnanimity? The word lashed her with its irony--one does not strike an attitude when one is fighting for life! She would threaten, grovel, cajole...she would yield anything to keep her hold on happiness.Ah, but the difficulty lay deeper! The law could not help her--her own apostasy could not help her.She was the victim of the theories she renounced.It was as though some giant machine of her own ****** had caught her up in its wheels and wasgrinding her to atoms...
It was afternoon when she found herself out-of-doors.She walked with an aimless haste, fearing to meet familiar faces.The day was radiant, metallic: one of those searching American days so calculated to reveal the shortcomings of our street-cleaning and the excesses of our architecture.The streets looked bare and hideous; everything stared and glittered.She called a passing hansom, and gave Mrs.Van Sideren's address.She did not know what had led up to the act; but she found herself suddenly resolved to speak, to cry out a warning.it was too late to save herself--but the girl might still be told.The hansom rattled up Fifth Avenue; she sat with her eyes fixed, avoiding recognition.At the Van Siderens' door she sprang out and rang the bell.Action had cleared her brain, and she felt calm and self- possessed.She knew now exactly what she meant to say.
The ladies were both out...the parlor-maid stood waiting for a card.Julia, with a vague murmur, turned away from the door and lingered a moment on the sidewalk.Then she remembered that she had not paid the cab-driver.She drew a dollar from her purse and handed it to him.He touched his hat and drove off, leaving her alone in the long empty street.She wandered away westward, toward strange thoroughfares, where she was not likely to meet acquaintances.The feeling of aimlessness had returned.Once she found herself in the afternoon torrent of Broadway, swept past tawdry shops and flaming theatrical posters, with a succession of meaningless faces gliding by in the opposite direction...
