My first impression of New York was that it had far more beauty and art in it than Chicago。 Again， I was glad to be by the sea once more。I have always felt stifed in inland cities。
We stopped at a boarding？house in one of the side？streets of Sixth Avenue。There was a strange collection of people in this boarding？house。They， like the Bohemians， seemed to have but one thing in common：none were able to pay their bills， and they lived in a constant proximity to ejection。
One morning I reported at the stage door of Daly's theatre。 Again I was admitted into the presence of the great man。I wanted to explain to him anew my ideas， but he seemed very busy and worried。
“We have brought over the great pantomime star， Jane May，”he said，“from Paris。 And there is a part for you if you can act in pantomime。”
Now pantomime to me has never seemed an art。 Movement is lyrical and emotional expression， which can have nothing to do with words， and in pantomime people substitute gestures for words， so that it is neither the art of the dancer nor that of the actor， but falls between the two in hopeless sterility。However， there was nothing to do but take the part。I took it home to study， but the wholething seemed to me very stupid and quite unworthy of my ambitions and ideals。
The first rehearsal was a horrible disillusion。 Jane May was a little lady with an extremely violent temper who took every occasion for bursting into a rage。When I was told that I must point to her to say YOU， press my heart to say LOVE， and then violently hit myself on the chest to say ME， it all seemed to be too ridiculous。And， having no heart in it， I did it so badly that Jane May was quite disgusted。She turned to Mr。Daly and explained that I had no talent whatever and could not possibly carry the part。When I heard this， I realised it would mean all of us being stranded in a terrible boarding？house at the mercy of a relentless landlady。I had in my mind’s eye the vision of a little chorus girl who had been turned out into the streets the day before without her trunk， and I recalled all that my poor mother had gone through in Chicago。When I thought of all this， the tears came into my eyes and rolled down my cheeks。I suppose I looked very tragic and miserable， for Mr。Daly assumed a more kindly expression。He patted me on the shoulder and said to Jane May：
“You see， she is very expressive when she cries。 She'll learn。”
But these rehearsals were martyrdom to me。 I was told to make movements which I considered very vulgar and silly and which had no real connection with the music to which they were made。However， youth is adaptable， and I finally managed to fall into the humour of the part。
Jane May acted the part of Pierrot， and there was a scene where I was to make love to Pierrot。 To three diferent bars in the music I must approach and kiss Pierrot three times on the cheek。At the dress rehearsal I did this with such energy that I left my red lips on Pierrot's white check。At which Pierrot turned into Jane May， perfectly furious， and boxed my ears。A charming entrance into theatrical life！
And yet， as the rehearsals advanced， I could not help but admire the extraordinary and vibrant expression of this pantomime actress。 If she had not been imprisoned in the false and vapid form of pantomime， she might have been a great dancer。But the form was too limited。I always felt I wanted to say of pantomime：
“If you want to speak， why don't you speak？Why all this efort to make gestures as in a deaf and dumb asylum？”
The first night came。 I wore a Directoire costume of blue silk， a blonde wig， and a big straw hat。Alas for the revolution of art which I had come to give the world！I was completely disguised and not myself。My dear mother sat in the frst row， and she was rather bewildered。Even then she did not suggest that we should go back to San Francisco， but I could see that she was terribly disappointed。For so much striving to arrive at such a poor result！
During the rehearsals for that pantomime we had no money。 We were put out of the boarding？house and took two bare rooms with nothing in them at all in 180th Street。There was no money for car？fare， and often I had to go on foot down to Augustin Daly’s in 29th Street。I used to runon dirt， skip on pavement， and walk on wood to make the way seem shorter。I had all sorts of systems for that。I didn’t eat lunch because I had no money， so I used to hide in the stage box during the lunch hour and sleep from exhaustion， then start rehearsing again in the afternoon without any food。I rehearsed for six weeks in this way before the pantomime opened， and then performed for a week before any payment was made。
After three weeks in New York the company went on the road on one？night stands。I received ffteen dollars a week to pay all my expenses， and sent half home to my mother that she might live。When we descended at a station， I did not go to a hotel， but carried my valise and went on foot looking for a boarding？house which would be cheap enough。My limit was fifty cents a day， everything included， and sometimes I had to trudge weary miles before I found this。And sometimes the quest landed me in very strange neighbourhoods。I remember one place where they gave me a room without a key and where the men of the house—mostly drunk—kept making continual attempts to get into my room。I was terrified and， dragging the heavy wardrobe across the room， barricaded the door with it。Even then I did not dare to go to sleep， but sat up on guard all night。I can’t imagine any more God？forsaken existence than what they call“on the road”with a theatrical troupe。
Jane May was indefatigable。 She called a rehearsal every day， and nothing ever suited her。
I had a few books with me， and I read incessantly。 Everyday I wrote a long letter to Ivan Miroski；I do not think I told him quite how miserable I was。
After two months of this touring， the pantomime returned to New York。 The whole venture had been a distressing financial failure for Mr。Daly， and Jane May returned to Paris。
What was to become of me？Again I saw Mr。 Daly and tried to interest him in my Art。But he seemed quite deaf and indiferent to anything I could ofer him。
“I am sending out a company with Midsummer Nights Dream，”he said。“If you like， you might dance in the fairy scene。”
My ideas on the dance were to express the feelings and emotions of humanity。 I was not at all interested in fairies。But I consented， and proposed that I should dance to the Scherzo of Mendelssohn in the wood scene before the entrance of Titania and Oberon。
When Midsummer Night's Dream opened， I was dressed in a long straight tunic of white and gold gauze with two tinsel wings， I objected very much to the wings。 It seemed to me that they were ridiculous。I tried to tell Mr。Daly that I could express wings without putting on papier？m ché ones， but he was obdurate。The first night I came on the stage alone to dance。I was delighted。Here， at last， I was alone on a great stage with a great public before me， and I could dance。And I did dance—so well that the public broke into spontaneous applause。I had made what they call a hit。When I came out in the wings， I expected to findMr。Daly delighted and receive his congratulations。Instead of this， he was in a towering rage。“This isn’t a music？hall！”He thundered。Unheard of that the public should applaud this dance！Next night， when I came on to dance， I found all the lights were turned out。And each time I danced in Midsummer Night’s Dream I danced in the dark。Nobody could see anything on the stage but a white futtering thing。
After two weeks in New York， Midsummer Night's Dream also went on the road， and again I had the dreary journeys and the hunting for boarding？houses。Only， my salary was raised to twenty？five dollars a week。
A year passed by in this way。
I was extremely unhappy。 My dreams， my ideals， my ambi？tion：all seemed futile。I made very few friends in the com？pany。They regarded me as queer。I used to go about behind the scenes with a book of Marcus Aurelius。I tried to adopt a Stoic philosophy to alleviate the constant misery which I felt。However， I made one friend on that trip—a young girl called Maud Winter who played Queen Titania。She was very sweet and sympathetic。But she had a strange mania of living on oranges and refusing other food。I suppose she was not made for this earth， for some years afterwards I read of her death from pernicious anaemia。
The star in Augustin Daly's company was Ada Rehan—a great actress， though a most unsympathetic person to her subordinates—and the only joy I had in the company was when I could watch her act。 She was seldom with the road company with which I went， but when I returned to NewYork I often used to watch her performances of Rosalind， Beatrice， and Portia。She was one of the supremely great actresses of the world。But this great artist in ordinary life did not take any care to make herself loved by the people in the company。She was very proud and reserved and seemed to feel that it was an efort even to say good day to us， for one day the following notice was posted in the wings：
“The Company are informed that they need not say good day to Miss Rehan！”
Indeed， in all the two years that I was with the Augustin Daly company I never had the pleasure of speaking with Miss Rehan。 She evidently considered all the minor people of the company as quite beneath her notice。I remember one day， when she was kept waiting by some grouping of Daly's， she swept her hand over the heads of us all and exclaimed：“Oh， Guv'nor， how can you keep me waiting for these nonentities！”（I being one of the nonentities， did not appreciate the allusion！）I cannot understand how so great an artist and fascinating a woman as Ada Rehan could have made this mistake， and I can only account for it by the theory that at that time she was nearly ffty years old。She had long been the adoration of Augustin Daly， and perhaps she resented his subsequently picking out of the company some pretty girl who would be for two or three weeks—or two or three months—suddenly lifted into leading parts for no apparent reason whatever， but possibly for somereason to which Miss Rehan objected。As an artist I had the greatest admiration for Ada Rehan， and at that time it would have meant very much in my life to have had a little kindly encouragement from her。But in all those two years she never looked at me。Indeed， once I remember at the end of The Tempest， where I danced for the pleasure of Miranda and Ferdinand at their nuptials， she distinctly turned away her head during the whole dance， which embarrassed me so much that I could hardly continue。
In the course of our tournée with Midsummer Night’s Dream we finally arrived one day at Chicago。I was overjoyed to find my supposed fancé。It was again summer， and every day that there was no rehearsal we went out into the woods and had long walks， and I learned more and more to appreciate the intelligence of Ivan Miroski。When， a few weeks later， I left for New York， it was with the understanding that he was to follow me there and that we would be married。My brother， hearing of this， fortunately made enquiries and found out that he had already a wife in London。My mother， aghast， insisted on our separation。
