Elizabeth brought twenty pupils of the school and my baby to meet me in Paris。 Imagine my joy—I had not seen my baby for six months！When she saw me she looked at me in the queerest fashion， and then began to cry。Naturally I began to cry too—it was so strange and wonderful to hold her in my arms again。And that other child—my school。They had all grown so tall。It was a splendid reunion， and we danced and sang together the whole afternoon。
That great artist Lugné Poe had taken charge of my representations in Paris。He was responsible for bringing to Paris Eleanora Duse， Susanne Desprès， and Ibsen。He noted that my work needed a certain setting， and engaged for me the Gaiété Lyrique， and the Colonne Orchestra， with Colonne to direct it。The result was that we took Paris by storm。Such poets as Henri Lavedan， Pierre Mille， Henri de Régnier wrote of me enthusiastically。
Paris turned a smiling countenance。
Each representation I gave was crowded with the élite of the artistic and intellectual world。Then I seemed very near to accomplishing my dream， and the school I desired seemed within easy reach。
I had taken two large apartments at No。 5 Rue Danton， I lived on the first floor， and on the second I had all the children of the school with their governesses。
One day， just before a matinée， I had a bad fright。My baby suddenly， without warning， began to choke and cough。I thought it might be the dreaded croup， and， taking a taxi， I few about Paris trying to find a doctor at home。Finally I found a noted children’s specialist， who kindly came back with me and soon reassured me that it was nothing serious， only a cough。
I arrived at the matinée half an hour late。Colonne had filled in the interval with music。All the afternoon， as I danced， I trembled with apprehension。Naturally， I adored my child， and felt that if anything should happen to her I could not survive。
How strong， egotistical， and ferocious a possession is mother love。 I do not think it is very admirable。It would be infnitely more admirable to be able to love all children。
Deirdre was now running about and dancing。 She was particularly lovely， and a perfect miniature of Ellen Terry， which was certainly due to my thoughts and admiration of Ellen。When humanity advances， all mothers will be isolated before the birth of their children in some protected place where they shall be surrounded by statues， pictures， and music。
The event of the season was the Brisson ball， to which all the artists and literary lights of Paris were invited。 Everyone was to go as the title of a different work。I went as the Bacchante of Euripides， and， being a bacchante， I found Mounet？Sully in Greek robes， who might have personified Dionysus himself。I danced with him all the evening—or atleast I danced about him， for the great Mounet disdained modern dance steps， and it was bruited about that our conduct was extremely scandalous。But it was really innocent enough， and I gave this great artist some hours of diversion which he merited。It seemed so strange that， with my American innocence， I should have so shocked Paris that night！
The recent discoveries of mental telepathy have proven that brain？waves pass through those air？passages that are sympathetic to them and reach their destination， sometimes even without the consciousness of the sender。
I had arrived at a point where breakdown was indicated。 It was impossible to meet all the expenses of my growing school out of my resources。With the money which I had made myself I had adopted and cared for and educated forty children， of whom twenty were in Germany and twenty in Paris， and I was helping other people besides。One day， in joke， I said to my sister Elizabeth：
“This can't go on！My banking account is overdrawn。 If the school is to continue， we must find a millionaire。”
Once I had voiced this wish， it obsessed me。
“I must find a millionaire！”I repeated a hundred times a day， first in a joke and then， finally， according to the Couésystem， in earnest。
One morning after an especially successful performance at the Gaiété Lyrique， I was sitting in a dressing？gown before my mirror。I remember I had my hair in curling？papers for the afternoon matinée， and it was covered with a little lacecap。My maid came to me with a visiting card on which I read a well？known name， and suddenly there sang in my brain：“Here is my millionaire！”
“Let him enter！”
He entered， tall and blond， curling hair and beard。 My first thought was：Lohengrin。“Wer will mein Ritter sein？”He spoke in a charming voice， but he seemed shy。“He is like a big boy disguised in a beard，”I thought。
“You do not know me， but I have often applauded your wonderful art，”he said。
Then a curious feeling came over me。 I had met this man before。Where？As in a dream， I remembered the funeral of the Prince de Polignac：I， a young girl， crying bitterly， primitively unused to a French funeral；the long row of relatives in the side aisle of the church。Someone pushed me forward。“II faut serrar la main！”they whispered。And I， overcome with genuine grief for my dear friend gone， gave my hand to one after another of the relatives。And I remembered suddenly looking into the eyes of one。It was the tall man before me。
We had met first in a church before a coffin。 No prophecy of happiness， that！Nevertheless， from that moment I realised that this was my millionaire， for whom I had sent my brainwaves seeking， and that， for whatever fate， it was Kismet。
“I admire your art， your courage in the ideal of your school。 I have come to help you。What can I do？Would you like， for instance， to go with all these dancing children toa little villa on the Riviera， by the sea， and there compose new dances？The expense you don't need to worry about。I will bear it all。You have done a great work；you must be tired。Now let it rest on my shoulders。”
In a week's time all my little troop were in a first？class carriage， speeding towards the sea and the sunshine。Lohengrin met us at the station。He was radiant；dressed all in white。He took us to a lovely villa by the sea， from whose terraces he pointed out to us his white？winged yacht。
“It is called the Lady Alicia”he said。“But perhaps now we will change the name to Iris。”
The children danced about under the orange？trees in their light blue tunics， their hands filled with blossoms and fruit Lohengrin was most kind and charming to the children， thoughtful of every one’s comfort。His devotion to them added a new element of trust to the feeling of gratitude with which I already regarded him， and which， through daily contact with his charm， was soon to deepen to something much stronger。At that time， though， I merely regarded him as my knight， to be worshipped at a distance， in an almost spiritual fashion。
The children and I were in a villa in Beaulieu， but Lohengrin lived in a fashionable hotel in Nice。 Now and then he asked me to dine with him。I remembered I went in my simple Greek tunic， and was embarrassed to find there a woman in a wonderful coloured gown covered with diamonds and pearls。I knew at once that she was my enemy。She flled me with dread， which was afterwards justifed。
One evening， with characteristic generosity， Lohengrin had invited a large party to a carnival ball at the Casino。 He provided pierrot costumes for every one， made in fowing Liberty satin。It was the first time I had ever donned a pierrot costume， the first time I had ever attended a public masked ball。It was a joyous festivity。For me there was only one cloud。The lady of the diamonds—also provided with a pierrot costume—came to the ball。When I looked at her， I suffered tortures。But， afterwards， I remember dancing with her with frenzy—so much is love akin to hate—until the major？domo touched us on the shoulder and informed us it was not allowed。
In the midst of all this fooling， I was suddenly called to the telephone。 Someone told me from the villa at Beaulieu that Erica， the baby of the school， was taken suddenly with croup—very serious—perhaps dying。I rushed from the telephone to the supper？table， where Lohengrin was entertaining his guests。I told him to come， quick， to the telephone。We must phone for a doctor。And it was there， in the proximity of that telephone？box， under the stress of that common panic for one dear to us both， that our defences broke down and our lips met for the first time。But we wasted not a second。Lohengrin’s automobile was at the door。Just as we were， as two pierrots， we went and picked up the doctor， then sped on to Beaulieu。We found little Erica suffocating， her face quite black。The doctor did his work。We waited beside the bed， two frightened pierrots， for the verdict。Two hours later， with the dawncreeping in at the window， the doctor pronounced that the baby was saved。The tears were racing down our cheeks and melting the grease？paint， but Lohengrin took me in his arms：“Courage， darling！Let us go back to our guests。”And all the way back， in the automobile， he held me close， whispering，“Dearest， if it were only for this one night， this one memory， I would love you always。”
At the Casino time had fown so rapidly that most of the guests had hardly noticed our absence。
One， however， had counted every minute of it。 The little lady of the diamonds had watched our departure with jealous eyes and， as we re？entered， she snatched a knife from the table and darted up to Lohengrin。Fortunately， he realised her intention in time， and， gripping her by the wrist， swung her in a trice high above his head。In this wise he carried her of to the ladies’room as though the whole incident were a joke， a prearranged part of the Carnival。There， he delivered her over to the attendants， with the simple remark that she appeared a little hysterical and was apparently in need of a drink of water！After which he returned to the ballroom， entirely unmoved， and in reckless good spirits。And， indeed， from then on the gaiety of the whole party increased， until it reached its climax at five a。m。，when I danced all the wild and conficting emotions of the evening into a Tango Apache with Max Dearley。
When the party broke up at sunrise， the lady of the diamonds went back to her hotel alone， and Lohengrin remained with me。 His generosity towards the children， his anxiety and genuine pain at little Erica's illness—all this had won my love。
Next morning he proposed a flight on the yacht， now rechristened。 We took my little girl with us， and， leaving the school in the care of the governesses， we sailed away towards Italy。
All money brings a curse with it， and the people who possess it cannot be happy for twenty？four hours。
If I had only realised that the man I was with had the psychology of a spoilt child， that every word and every action of mine should have been carefully prepared to please， all might have been well。 But I was too young and too na？ve to know this， and I prattled on， explaining to him my ideas of life， Plato’s Republic， Karl Marx， and a general reform of the world， without the least notion of the havoc I was creating。This man， who had declared that he loved me for my courage and generosity， became more and more alarmed when he found what sort of a redhot revolutionary he had taken aboard his yacht。He gradually comprehended that he could not reconcile my ideals with his peace of mind。But the climax came when one evening he asked me what was my favourite poem。‘Delighted， I brought him my livre de chevet and read to him the“Song of the Open Road”by Walt Whitman。Carried away by my enthusiasm， I did not notice what effect this was having， and when I looked up I was astonished to fnd his handsome face congested with rage。“What rot！”he exclaimed。“That man could never have earned his living！”
“Can't you see，”I cried，“he had the vision of Free America？”
“Vision be damned！”
And suddenly I realised that his vision of America was that of the dozens of factories which made his fortune for him。 But such is the perversity of woman that， after this and similar quarrels， I threw myself into his arms， forgetting everything under the brutality of his caresses。Also， I consoled myself with the idea that soon he would open his eyes and see， and that then he would help me to make that great school for the children of the people。
And， in the meantime， the magnificent yacht sailed on through the blue Mediterranean。
I can see it all as if it were yesterday：the broad deck of the yacht；the table set with crystal and silver for lunch， and Deirdre， in her white tunic， dancing about。 Certainly I was in love and happy。And yet all the time I was unpleasantly aware of the stokers， stoking in the engine？room；the fifty sailors on the yacht；the Captain and the Mate—all this immense expenditure for the pleasure of two people。Subconsciously I was uneasy of mind at the passing of these days， each a loss from the work。And sometimes I contrasted unfavourably the ease of this life of luxury， the continual feasting， the nonchalant giving up of one’s being to pleasure， with the bitter struggle of my early youth。Then quickly I would react to the impression on my bodyand mind of the glory of the dawn as it melted into the heat of a dazzling noon。My Lohengrin， my Knight of the Grail， should come， too， to share the great idea！
We spent a day at Pompeii， and Lohengrin had the romantic idea that he would like to see me dance in the Temple of Pass？turn by moonlight。He straightway engaged a small Neapolitan orchestra， and arranged that they should proceed to the temple and await our coming。But just that day there was a summer storm and a deluge of rain。All that day and the next the yacht was unable to leave the harbour， and when we finally arrived at Paestum， we found the orchestra， drenched through and very miserable， sitting on the steps of the temple， where they had waited for twenty？four hours。
Lohengrin ordered dozens of bottles of wine and a lamb à la Pélicaire， which we ate Arab fashion with our fngers。The famished orchestra ate and drank so much and were so fatigued from their waiting in the temple， that they were quite unable to play。As it began to drizzle slightly again， we all went to the yacht and set sail for Naples。The orchestra made a brave attempt to play for us on the deck， but as the boat began to rock， one by one they turned green and retired to the cabins……
And that was the end of the romantic idea of dancing by moonlight in the Temple of Paestum！
Lohengrin wanted to continue to sail in the Mediterranean， but I remembered I had a contract with my impresario in Russia and， deaf to all pleadings， and even though itwas very difficult for me， I decided to keep my contract。 Lohengrin brought me back to Paris。He would have come to Russia with me， but feared passport difficulties。He filled my compartment with fowers， and we said a tender good？bye。
It is a strange fact that when parting from a loved one， although we may be torn by the most terrible grief， we experience at the same time a curious sensation of liberation。
That tournée in Russia was as successful as were the others， but it was marked by an event that might have been tragic， though it turned out rather comic。One afternoon Craig walked in to see me， and for a short moment I was on the verge of believing that nothing mattered—neither the school， nor Lohengrin， nor anything—but just the joy of seeing him again。However， a dominant trait in my character is fidelity。
Craig was in high spirits， in the midst of creating his Hamlet for the Stanislavsky Art Theatre。 All the actresses of the Stanislavsky troupe were in love with him。The actors were delighted with his beauty， geniality， and extraordinary vitality。He would harangue them by the hour on the art of the theatre， and they did their best to follow all his fantasies and imaginings。
The next day I took the train to Kief。 Some days later we returned to Paris， where L。met us。
He had a strange， gloomy apartment in the Place des Vosges。 He took me there—into a Louis XIV bed， where hefairly smothered me with caresses。There， for the first time， I knew what the nerves and sensations can be transformed to。It seemed to me that I came to life in a new and exhilarating manner which I had never known before。
Like Zeus he transformed himself into many shapes and forms， and I knew him now as a Bull， now as a Swan， and again as a Golden Shower， and I was by this love carried over the waves， caressed with white wings delicately， and strangely seduced and hallowed in a Golden Cloud。
Then， too， I learned to know all the really good restaurants in the city of Paris， where L。 was kowtowed to and treated like a king。All the Ma？tres d’H？tel and all the cooks vied with one another to please him—and no wonder， for he distributed money in a truly royal manner。For the first time， too， I learnt the difference between a poulet cocotte and a poulel simple—the different values of ortolans， trufes， and mushrooms。In fact， nerves lying dormant in my tongue and palate awoke， and I learned to know the vintage of wines and just what year and what cr？ was the most exquisite to the sense of smell and taste， besides many things that I had hitherto ignored。
And now， for the first time， I visited a fashionable dressmaker， and fell to the fatal lure of stuffs， colours， form—even hats， I，who had always worn a little white tunic， woollen in winter， linen in summer， succumbed to the enticement of ordering beautiful gowns， and wearing them。 Only I had one excuse。The dressmaker was no ordinary one， but a genius—Paul Poiret， who could dress a woman insuch a way as also to create a work of art。Yet this was for me the change from sacred to profane art。
All these gratifications had their reactions， and there were days when we spoke of that weird sickness—neurasthenia。
I remember， during an exquisite morning walk in the Bois de Boulogne with Lohengrin， seeing a far？away， tragic expression（that I learned in time to dread）coming over his face， When I asked the reason， he replied：
“Always my mother's face in her coffin；wherever I am I see her dead face。 What use to live， since it all ends only in death？”
And I realised that riches and luxury do not create contentment！It is certainly more difficult for rich people to accomplish anything serious in life。 Always that yacht in the harbour inviting one to sail on Azure Seas。
